


Being Held by a Memory

by MistyBeethoven



Category: A Scanner Darkly (2006)
Genre: F/M, Keanu Reeves - Freeform, Lost Love, Melancholy, POV First Person, Pining, Post-Betrayal, Sad, remembering, winona ryder - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-29
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2021-01-04 22:37:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21205217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MistyBeethoven/pseuds/MistyBeethoven
Summary: Donna realizes that she misses Bob and her punishment is that she always will.





	Being Held by a Memory

**Author's Note:**

> After watching "A Scanner Darkly" for the first time, and finding it so very sad and beautiful, I had to write this. I love Bob Arctor so much and just felt so incredibly bad for him. I may write another piece with him and the blue flower. I want him to play in another way and to be happy again.

I've wanted to touch him for a while now.

But he's gone.

How can you touch a memory or let yourself be held by one? It's a crazy and impossible thing; one where logical thinking takes the detour into fantasy and imagination and you begin to wonder if that is how any story starts: by missing and wanting something you can never have.

I should have let him hold me at the time. Especially that last time when he had reached his breaking point. He was always trying to but I couldn't let him. There were protocols after all.

And it never felt right to...

While he could sleep with me thinking that I was some girl called Donna, I couldn't sleep with him knowing he was some poor man having been stripped of the power to even remember his own real name after a point or just who he was and had been.

He was sweet. I guess that's what really got to me. He never forced me to touch him even though he could have. Even if I hadn't known it was Bruce in that fucking scramble suit, I would have figured it out from his body shape and movements. He had the strength and body mass over me but he never tried to make me do something that I did not want to. Not even as Substance D was making him no longer know what was real or not. It would have been so easy for him yet he held on to a basic decency even as I found my own slowly corroding.

Now I wake up most nights, because I can never make it the whole way through, and I wish to God that he was still here and I'd see him in the morning. But instead of giving him that stupid drug I'd give him myself instead.

Because often these days, I find myself wondering if he only kept taking Substance D to stay around me. If that was the price he was paying it was too high for such a crappy product.

And that was another reason to not give in to him: I wasn't worth it.

So, no matter what...I never could let him hold me.

But now it seems I've switched places with my absent friend because there is little I wouldn't do just to take him in my arms and make it all better for him.

And now I'm cursed because the only thing I will ever be able to hold on to of Bob Arctor is his memory.


End file.
